Christmas Wishes
by FantasticJackie
Summary: Tonks contemplates the happenings of her life during a silent walk down a muggle street in London on Christmas Eve. HBP


**Christmas Wishes**

**Author's Note:** Written for the Christmas Moon Fic Advent on the LJ community Metamorfic Moon. :) My prompt was Christmas Lights.

This is entirely internal monolgouing, and it wouldn't have been written without the "Evolution of a Fic" discussion. Many thanks to Mrs. Tater and Lady Bracknell for all their tremendous help in answering my questions; you have no idea how helpful you both were, and I hope I pulled off using your advice well.

**Christmas Wishes**

The weather was perfect for Christmas Eve. Fresh snow drifted idly through the air, settling on the street lamps, window sills, and pavement of muggle London. A gentle breeze, nippy as it was, blew the tiny crystals in various, conflicting directions creating little floating puffs and swirls through which a lone figure, drab head bowed, aimlessly, slowly tread.

The street was decked out in accordance with the date; at the end stood a gigantic Christmas tree partitioned off in the very center of the cul-de-sac. Though the bright colors and seasonal tidings scrawled along the shop windows encouraged a festive atmosphere, the stillness of the night and general sense of foreboding associated with the dawdling war in which they were currently engaged only managed to create a mix-matched ambiance. Yet somehow, the street was peaceful - even hopeful in the midst of all the chaos and sadness enveloping the country, world, and indeed, the woman walking alone. The strange, conflicting aura was what had drawn her to this particular outlet.

Tonks' eyes dolefully rose from their gaze at the pavement beneath her feet to the window of the shop beside her. She paused and stood before it, looking inside. It was a clothing store; depicted by the manikins was a cheerful scene of a snow ball fight between a family of four – dressed, naturally, in the store's finest. In the corner, meant to dually function as part of the scenery and be the Christmas centerpiece, the lighted Christmas tree was decorated completely in white.

Mouth turning upward in a nostalgic expression, her gaze hinged on the tree. It was one of her favorite memories. One year, her muggle father had insisted on a _proper_ Christmas tree. The little bulbs had caused much trouble from acquiring a source of energy for the strands to getting each and every miniature light to stay lit. Her mother had been frustrated and put her foot down that never again would he be allowed to decorate.

As a small girl, Tonks had loved the idea of hundreds of tiny lights encased in equally tiny glass coverings hanging on Christmas trees and, her father said, _houses_. Her father had told her that each bulb was a little Christmas wish for gifts and good tidings that had come true, protected and sealed from the previous years to be added to each and every passing Christmas season. This ensured that every Christmas was the best Christmas because the magic from Christmases past was always present in the bulbs.

She had missed the Christmas lights the next year.

Tonks half wished she could go to her parents' house, but that was an impossibility. She had told them already that she was working all night Christmas Eve and then had an equally long shift on the following day. It was a lie, but she couldn't face her parents. Not like _this._

Her translucent reflection stared at her hauntingly through the window. Normally vibrant eyes were dull and clouded with worry and sadness. Her heart-shaped face was drawn and flushed due to the cold, and her hair… It hung limp, lifeless in a boring shade of brown. Nymphadora Tonks was never boring and always bright; her parents would have surely noticed something wrong.

Even if they hadn't for some reason noticed her appearance, her behavior would have screamed her depression.

She had thought to blame it on the war; to tell her parents that she was just mentally and physically drained from constantly fighting off Dementors. Everyone was tired at the Ministry; all the Aurors on the force looked worse for the wear. Her parents might have bought it. – But her mother would have had a fit. "See, I told you so's," and "Ted, tell her she can'ts" would be in order. All the young witch wanted for the holidays was a peaceful place of solace. It was all anyone wanted these days.

But more likely was the probability of her perceptive mother guessing the real issue, and Tonks couldn't take that. Her parents had never met Remus; she had never even told them his name. The only thing they knew was that _he_ existed and that _he_ made their daughter impossibly happy. They had no idea about the break up, and she had no intentions of telling them. He was already judged by the world for what he was; she would not give her own parents another lens through which to scrutinize him. They couldn't understand what it was all about. They would take him for a wizard looking to play with a young witch's heart, and even if they would listen to her defense of him, she could not mention anything about his mission for the Order in the Underground. Nobility would be a hollow excuse, a lie she gullibly accepted or created to help herself cope. Her refusal to let him go would only be pitiful, not based in the knowledge that he still loved her and that there was still hope.

But even then, her real concern was worrying her parents. They had enough on their plates just knowing what their Auror daughter did for a living. She kept them in the dark about that as much as possible, as well.

A wry smile stretched halfway across her mouth. She and Remus were so similar. Her relationship with her parents nearly mirrored what she now had with him – for protection. She wondered briefly if she had the right to keep such secrets from her mother and father for their peace of mind while she was so distraught with Remus for his decisions for _her_ peace of mind.

She hadn't attempted to break all ties to them, though. She may have been running from facing the problems that would undoubtedly arise like he was, but she had not broken their hearts and run away from them entirely. Most importantly, her protections really _did_ function as beneficial necessities. They would be worried sick if they knew… And somehow, secrecy from her parents regarding certain aspects of her life was not only different, but normal. After all, she couldn't say anything about the Order, and she had never told them about Sirius.

She sighed, shoved her hands into her coat pockets, and left the window behind. Her eyes followed random snowflakes as they journeyed to destinations on the pavement creating what was becoming the first layer of snow.

What was he doing now?

Probably sleeping at the Burrow. Safe and secure and warm for once, stretched out on one of the prepared guest beds, sleeping comfortably. His face relaxed and peaceful. Adorable.

At the Burrow. – Another invitation she had refused.

When asked, she had told Molly that she would be spending Christmas with her family, but Tonks had a feeling that the motherly witch knew she was lying. Molly graciously hadn't pushed the issue, though she'd pursed her lips as if she knew the exact reason. Instead, she pretended not to act hurt – for which Tonks had felt guilty and still did – at the rejection and left the invitation open.

As much as she wanted to see him, she couldn't. She had yet to tell him about her lost powers. She hadn't told him anything, actually. They had had no contact at all since he told her of Dumbledore's assignment. She was avoiding him out of anger and hurt to begin with, but now the avoidance was purely out of fear of further rejection. He might have even found her pathetic, though he wouldn't say anything.

In her daydreams of meeting him, his reaction to her appearance finally proved her point once and for all. Everything was bright and happy as he took her into his arms and apologized a thousand times over, declaring his love for her.

She never believed for one minute that was how it would be, though. He would see her lost powers as yet another reason as to why they couldn't be together – that he had done such a thing to her. All the blame and guilt she would add to his already heavy laden conscience would only push him further away. Just by seeing her…

Panic crossed her mind. Would Molly or Arthur or any of the others say anything?

What would he say? What would he _do_? She stopped in her tracks, lost in thought. _What if he came by to visit?_ Surely he would… before leaving again. But did she really want him to? Not if he was going to reject her again. Or did it even matter? She was so desperate to see him.

Knowing he was there at the Burrow within reach… How could _he_ stand it? She was severely tempted to apparate to the Burrow right then and there. To charge in and rush to his room and beg him please, please…

She shook the feeling off immediately. Begging would get her nowhere. Remus would only see her as distraught, which she technically was, and view any act on his part to comfort her as selfish and misleading.

He had to come to her. She couldn't force the issue.

Tonks noticed that her legs felt leaden, heavy, and frozen; she was still halted on the sidewalk. "Tis the season…" was decoratively written on the shop window beside her. A variety of electronic gadgets and gizmos filled the display to convince the passing shoppers that _this _was the place for any and all gifts, and they were on sale, too!

Putting one foot in front of the other, she continued onward. The steps were jolting to her cold limbs; she would have to go home soon. Could she even feel her toes? Luckily, the street was coming to an end. The enormous Christmas tree, lit in all its splendor, waited to greet her.

No, she couldn't force the issue. She already knew that; if she could, then they would have never split apart in the first place. Her only hope was to wait and believe.

Tonks approached the tree in awe; enormous didn't even scratch the surface as she looked up and up and up… There at the top, she could see the star. Huge ornaments hung from the branches of muggle children toys: jack in the boxes, toy soldiers, nutcrackers, little dolls, planes, trains, and toy cars… A large, continuous blue ribbon spiraled around the tree upon which was embroidered different holiday messages: Peace on Earth, Joy to the World, Happy Christmas. And the lights… There had to be _thousands_ of them. Thousands of tiny, white, blue, green, red, and yellow bulbs; the white and blue stood out the most, though giving it a light blue glow.

All the magic it had to contain from Christmases past... She didn't really believe in her father's fable, but it had somehow always given her a thrill to think that the Christmas sprit could be contained and viewed as such.

Perhaps it was the magic of the season. Despite her overwhelming sorrow, Tonks felt somehow lighter. She wasn't joyful, but there was a certain peace and calm that had fallen like a blanket over her.

It occurred to her as she stood before the tree that in order for Christmas wishes to come true, they had to be made at some point in time. Feeling only like a shadow of her former outgoing self, she made such a wish of her own and hoped that next year, one of the bulbs would shine especially for her.

After everything she had gone through, she could use a little Christmas light in her life.

---

The idea for the Christmas tree comes from the different Christmas trees outside the Walt Disney World theme parks; they're all _ginormous_ and awe-inspiring. It's amazing to see such huge trees, and they're all very pretty. – As if I didn't feel short enough. They'll always be etched in my mind, though: standing beneath them and looking up. It has a way of just making you happy. ;)

Reviews are appreciated; Concrit adored. :)


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